A Sudden Flurry of Awareness

I wanted to write a blog entry while I was awake and fully here before I inevitably slip back into the fog again. It’s been this way for weeks, and my mind doesn’t seem to make much sense anymore; it spits out words in random orders that don’t mean a single thing. School, not getting calls from my teachers, being harassed for not being the “perfect student”, having my brother steal from me, ect. ect., I’ve been stressed out and in a slump at the same time.

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I started school just fine, but I’m having trouble attending. I get as far as the door in the morning and my chest feels up in dread and fear, so I just go back to my room and put my pajamas back on. That’s not to say I’m not getting my module done, I’m just not getting into the school like I promised. I don’t know what I’m afraid of. The new kids? The kids I recognize? Leaving the house? All of the above? It’s just non-productive.

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Then there’s the part where I sent a e-mail to my teacher and got no response. Then I phoned, and got his voicemail, left a message but never got a call back. Then I actually stopped by one day after another appointment and went upstairs to talk, but he was busy, so I phoned the next day, nothing. I feel like my teachers, who are my greatest tool to succeeding at this school, are beyond my reach and for the longest time here I’d thrown my books aside thinking “what’s the point”. It’s stuff like this that greatly discourages me, even though I know that they are very busy.

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Really, I don’t understand people sometimes… why they are possessive about one meaningless thing, yet they take and take something more important from you. Pretty much every day when my brother has come home from school lately he’s yelled at me for something – one day it was because the back door was open, the next he was possessive over a drink dad bought to put in the cupboard, saying that it was his and his alone. But today I opened up my wallet, which had sat on the table for a long time, and found that all of my money – including my spare change had “disappeared“. And when I say “disappeared” I mean that my brother took it, because my dad wouldn’t do such a thing and he’s the only other person around.

Of course, Quade will deny it to the end, call me a liar, tell me I’m stupid because I have Asperger’s, then play the “I have issues” card when he just told me that he was superior to me because he was “normal”. I’m starting to believe that I no longer believe in normal, that I no longer believe in abnormal either. People are just people, they do go or bad and no matter what they are all hypocrites (including me, and no matter what they believe). People are just people. I mean, if I cannot trust my family, who can I trust?

My father says that he’d be with me every step of the way, but then he threatens that if I don’t pull up my socks before I “outgrow” his care by nineteen that I’ll be living with “assistance”. Aka, in a place like CASA where I have no control over my life or my own choices. Do as we say, or face consequences that are nowhere close in value.

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I think the only real answer is that maybe you can’t really trust anyone at all. Maybe you can allow them more freedom, than others. But you never know what they are going to do. Unpredictability is hard to trust. I’m sick of people. I think I may just write people off forever. All of them. It seems like this life is full of little consecutive wounds that fester but never really seem to heal. Just like I still hurt over Brendan and Laura, all the friends I used to have before I got diagnosed with a incurable disorder that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

Some days it just doesn’t seem worth the effort. And yes, I know that all this time it is just that stupid little voice in my head, the one that is 100% wrong. But, I have weak moments too, even if most of the time I couldn’t pass for strong if I tried. People tend to forget that sometimes.

Wah, cry, whine some more. It’s the same fucking story as it always is. I wish I had something positive in my life I could look forward to, other than reaching the next level in a stupid game.

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One thought on “A Sudden Flurry of Awareness

  1. Thanks for the posting.

    Maybe you are afraid of leaving your comfort zone when going to school. Especially when you get to the door and you feel the dread. Its hard to leave a place we know for an unknown like school.

    Go to the teacher’s department head or whoever is the teacher’s supervisor. Tell that person about your attempts to see the teacher and see if they can contact them for you. That should get their attention for you.

    Be prepared for some backlash though. If you are not going to the school then the teacher may be bias againest you for that reason. From his viewpoint if you cannot attend class then why should they make the effort to see you. Just one possible reason for the teacher ignoring you.

    The teachers are not beyond your reach. Just have to try a different way to get to them like contacting the department head. When one way of doing things is not getting the results you want, you need to try a different approach.

    Something is bothering Quade and he is taking it out on you. You might to try to find out what it is or tell him to back off.

    Not trusting anyone is not the real answer. Let people earn your trust over time. Just because you have not meet anyone you feel like trusting doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there you can trust. People are unpredictable because you do not understand them.

    I will agree that life if full of little consectitive wounds that fester and never seem to heal. Some of the wounds are own fault as we learn to live and others are from other people. But we can learn from those wounds to avoid them or to lessen the wound the next time.

    I understand that you are having a bad and weak moment. Yes it is wah, cry and whine some more but that is understandable when life doesn’t seem to make sense. Keep trying to make sense of it and try different things to improve your life. Eventually you will figure it out and understand the rules to the game.

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