Outside I can hear the rain falling and the trees blowing in the wind, a bit of thunder rumbling in the distance. But I can’t see it. I sleep from six AM to four PM today, so I’m twitching from Effexor withdrawal and there is nothing that I can do about it. There was a time when I wouldn’t be sitting here, when I would be running in the rain and the wet, getting absolutely soaked and loving every minute of it. I can’t bring myself to do so now.
I’m not quite sure if I’m feeling better yet. My energy level is low, still. It was all I could do to drag myself to the couch when I woke up. We ate hotdogs. I ate a grand total of one and a few chips, then guzzled fluids. I’m always thirsty, never hungry, and always have a pounding head. I’m sort of just laying here, my eyes half-open, not wanting to lift a finger. Every bone aches.
The stress and business of the BBQ is done. I wound up going anyways, despite me posting that I wasn’t going to. I promised my father that I would try to bridge the gap between us and Leslie, to be friendly… nothing more nothing less. I told myself (and him) that we were going there to converse, maybe share a smoke or two, to eat deer steak (which was very good) and just to have fun, not to sit down and have a discussion. Once again, I was met with less than ideal efforts.
Leslie did not speak to me even once during the entire duration of the BBQ. She shared a few words with Quade, then barked at him when he wanted to help her move chairs. I mean, how the hell can you misinterpret someone offering to help you with something heavy? My dad then had a talk with Leslie about yelling at my brother and explained it to her, and she spent the next twenty minutes bawling her eyes out. I don’t understand, same as always. She is supposed to be the adult… she says that she could act the adult and everyone would still accuse her of being a child, but I have never seen her do so. Supposedly, she is scared of us. Scared of me? I don’t know why I even try to wrap my head around her any more.
Today when I woke up, I knew what my schedule had to be… I needed to shower, to eat breakfast, to take my medication before it was too late… but then my lack of energy and motivation washed over me. I’d sit down, for just a minute. But now it’s 12:19 in the morning and I’m unshowered and my limbs are twitching.
As a part of the A.S. and C.D. community, I want my blog to be somewhere where people could find enlightenment, hope for some sort of future… maybe. But now, I don’t feel all that inspirational. I don’t feel like I can hold anyone up. I just want to disappear for a little while. I’m so tired.