Wanting to Live

I’ve had a few issues with my senses lately – especially touch, and noise. Maybe it is just me being a bit sensitive, as I now have an almost near constant headache from the pressure that my orbital cyst is putting on my left eyeball. That and the changes in my medication. I’m aware, feeling my body… and it doesn’t feel good at all. My father put his hand on my shoulder today and I got so irritated that I wanted to turn around and yell at him.

I need to learn how to trust people when things are bugging me, such as such sensory issues. The other day my father took us out to a seafood restaurant, and I went even though the sunlight made my headache almost unbearable and just the thought of fish made my stomach feel queasy. I didn’t say anything, because in my mind, to do so would be selfish – my father works all day, yet I make him worry about me, make him cook for me. Yet at the same time, my father is supposed to take care of me. As much as I hate admitting it, I’m not an adult quite yet.

Every time I have to ask for something, whether it’s a can of pop, money for antiperspirant, new pajamas, I always start the conversation out with “I hate asking, but-“, like I am asking the person to cut off their hand for me. In the times that I feel bad about being so dependent upon others, it feels like I am. I have this idea in my head that sometimes coming out with my feelings and my intentions before I make the request will somehow make up for my lack of my communication skills. It’s almost like confessing a crime, a sin – I put it out there so I can be saved by some type of wrath. Such things as this are based off of experiences I have had in the past, and for some reason I don’t trust even my family enough to just ask for it, to trust that they won’t blow up in my face.

It’s hard for me to deal with and make sense of arguments that happen between people on a day-to-day basis, even the little ones. They happen so fast, whereas I process conversations very slowly. I am usually several seconds behind in a conversation, my responses coming when the other participants are already on another topic. I sometimes feel like I am at a disadvantage – when someone gets angry and shouts at me, I can hardly think fast enough past the initial shock to defend myself. Feeling at a disadvantage, feeling slow, that leads to me being distrustful.

When I am distrustful of a person, and don’t mention that I’m feeling anxious, or that I need something, or that I’m sick to the point of tears, I usually wind up melting down and then the people around me worry. I don’t understand why they worry about me – I don’t seem to have particularly strong bonds to anyone in this world other than my father and my brother – but I understand that they do. I have just enough empathy within me – maybe I don’t feel like crying when someone else is crying, but I can put two and two together and understand that they are sad, although the reason usually escapes me entirely.

I don’t want the people in my life who are helping me to feel like they aren’t doing enough. They do. They do so much more than they should have to. It is me who is not performing to standards – my father could say that I was a burden and just let me spiral down into a hole, but he does not. Even though he’s a single parent. Even though he’s working himself to the bone. My father is amazing, he holds me up and I love him dearly. The only one who is not doing enough is me.

Some days, I really do not want to be myself. Everyone has days like this, but I experience only my own. There are days when I function even less than I usually do. Days when I am lost in a fog and if everyone on the planet – even children – were to die in a horribly painful way, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but I am being honest. I complain about aches and pains, but aside from the headaches all of my pains are really of my mind, my brain affecting my body.

Today, after being awake for merely an hour, I felt tired again. I laid down on my bed. My body just felt so heavy, like muscle and flesh and bone was caving in on itself. The small shaft of light peeking through my blinds was too bright. My skin felt like fine sandpaper dipped in oil. My back and my neck ached horribly. I had no want to get up from that spot, never mind go work on the commissions that I am supposed to be working on. I didn’t even want to play a game. Breathing was hard. I just wanted to stop breathing.

Don’t confuse that sentence with wanting to die. I do not want to die. I’m not suicidal. I just wanted to stop having to breathe. To stop having to try so hard. To stop having to push myself to the limit, and having my efforts come up short. I like sleep, because I don’t have to think, but at the same time I fret because I feel I already have wasted most of my life already.

All these things that people like to talk about… what I like to talk about in my monologue – trust, love, acceptance… change. Where are they? How am I supposed to find them? I feel like one of those small dogs, the ones that strain against the leash, the ones that are carried in purses, the ones that bark at bigger dogs but can’t do a thing besides. I’m trying, but nothing is happening. Does that mean that I have no control over where I am going? All around me, I see what I am supposed to do – school, career, love, marriage, kids, retirement, life in general – but when I walk towards them I miss a step and fall back to the bottom again. I don’t want someone to carry me, I want to do it on my own. Yet I’m not even sure if this is the right staircase.

Am I really going in the right direction? Or is this someone else’s staircase? I don’t know. I’m not quite sure. I’m not even sure that the concept makes much sense at all. I don’t seem to have a conclusion.

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4 thoughts on “Wanting to Live

  1. Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well :(

    Yes you need to learn how to trust people when things are bugging you but also trust yourself that you are doing the right thing. It does you no good to go the restaurant and feel miserable and have a meltdown. Yes that is selfish, but sometimes you have to watch out for yourself. By doing so when you do go out you will enjoy it more along with people around you. Its a tough balancing act between being selfish and not being selfish.

    Maybe a better way of starting the conversation when you need something is to say “If its not too much trouble, could you please ….” or “If you can, could you please ….”. That way you are not bothering them too much with your asking and you are providing them with the choice of helping you. If it is too much trouble or they cannot help you then thank them anyway for considering your request. That way your family doesn’t feel like you are a burden but someone needing help by allowing them to choose to help you or not. Like a lot of verbal communication its not what you say but how you say it that makes all the difference.

    Make sure to let the people around you, especially your dad, know that you appreciate what they do for you. When you can help them out. That way you do not seem like the burd but someone that needs help and is willing to help in return.

    We all have problems in life. We all miss a step sometimes several steps in life and fall back down. That is life. Even though your problems seem worse than everyone else you are really no different than anyone else. You are just someone trying to live and make the best of their situation. That is what really matters in life, not what we accomplish but that we did our best with what we have in life.

    I can understand your need for wanting to do it on your own. That is good desire to have. If you learn from your missteps, keep trying to do your best then one day your desire will be satisfied. You have to believe and trust in yourself that you can do that regardless if it happens tomorrow or later in life.

    Your last two questions are questions everyone asks themselves all the time. Am I going in the right direction or am I going up someone else’s staircase. Just like everyone else there is no answer. We just have to try our best and learn from our mistakes. If we keep doing that then we figure out what is the right direction.

    Believe in yourself, trust yourself to do what is right and if you do something wrong then forgive yourself and learn from it. Understand you have weaknesses and strengths. Don’t be hard on yourself for your weaknesses but learn to cope with them. Use your strengths to your advantage. In the end be the best person you can be with what you have. That would be a good direction to start with.

    • Thank you Michelle for your kind and reassuring words. I’m going to try one of the suggestions you gave the next time I need something, and I am going to trust myself to do so before that need gets too bad.

  2. I sat here staring at the comment box at 5 am hoping I could give you words of encouragement. I’m struggling to find those words… possibly due to fatigue but my mind could not let this go. I’m in a very similar situation as you, my family is taking care of me, I cannot function as an adult due to numerous psychological maladies, and I’m really just sitting here trying to …be. without being a burden to anyone. I HATE asking people for things, especially when I need them badly. Before I tire you out with my whole life story, I’ll cut it short and simply say that I believe you and I are not that different and that we’re feeling a similar pain. That of the caterpillar. It pains me to watch the butterflies flit around while I crawl, but when I try to fly…I just fall. I don’t know if it will help much, but I offer you my friendship, if you will take it. My email is somewhere here, I’ve subscribed to your blog. I know how tough it can be to reach out, I’m going to try anyway. Maybe I need a push too.

    • Hello there. I understand you completely. I look at all the people who go outside and have jobs… normal lives… and I just wonder what the point is. I have a single parent who I love to pieces who I bring down everyday with my issues and my problems. I depend on him completely, for everything. We are feeling a similar pain. I am not sure if there is a personal message system on WordPress, but if you would like to talk to me my Skype is Guilted.Lady. Feel free to add me if you ever want to just chat (and if you don’t want video chat that is fine, Skype has a chat system like MSN as well).

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